“Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled. There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings… People like you are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more caring, humane world. Never be ashamed to let your tears shine a light in this world.”
― Anthon St. Maarten
Apparently long-term post partum hormones + already being highly sensitive and empathetic weren’t enough for this bitch… no, no… and so, precisely 726 days ago, I unknowingly took my last drink & was emotionally catapulted into the land of sobriety + recovery, where feelings are authentic & relentless, flashbacks are vicious, and an indescribably profound appreciation for the simplest of things can be discovered… and I can safely say I deeply feel, observe, absorb, endure, experience… and cry… at such depths, about how beautiful + brutal (or “brutiful” as @glennondoyle says) life truly is.
Simply put: sobriety + recovery have elevated my emotions to a level of intensity unlike anything I’ve encountered before.
Last night I silently cried & lost sleep over how fucking grateful I am, for people/places/things that are direct results of living a life of sobriety + in recovery. There’s not much I take for granted these days, & my sporadic weeping is indicative of such.
Last night I cried about love.
Relationships. Intimacy. Passion. Pragmatism. Structure. Stability. Complexity. Tension. Relief. Romance. Volatility. Vulnerability. All of it.
I thought of how fortunate I am, to have a partner who loved me through my worst days, and how much we’ve fought like hell, figuratively + literally — love is no walk in the park, whatsoever — and the bedroom walls that have often felt so suffocating during my personal times of darkness, it was as though they all collapsed, & I couldn’t breathe in the feeling of freedom deeply enough.
I felt happy.
And much like when I’m in the throes of a depressive episode, I know such extreme feelings are fleeting, so I smiled through my tears and vowed to write about it, so I could preserve the purity of all I thought and felt, and I guess… ultimately share it (like I do).
I share it bc this wasn’t my reality two short years ago.
This time two years ago, I don’t honestly remember my reality, asides from the fact I was literally drunk almost 24/7. This time two years ago, my reality was me existing in non-stop blackout mode, and basically setting fire to myself, my family, my life as I knew it.
Suffering from/during active addiction + severe alcohol abuse is the best and worst thing that ever happened to me. It is from my biggest internal curse (which will always sit just below the surface) that my biggest blessing was born; a second chance at life: recovery.
It’s a three-day weekend, which can be very lonely, troublesome, triggering, overwhelming and/or underwhelming for folks not unlike myself. If you feel I’m talking to/about YOU… I see you, hear you, FEEL YOU. I’m here for you. This commUNITY is here for you. You aren’t alone. You are worthy and deserving of living a life full of love, from yourself and others. Reach out if you need to be heard or held.
You got this. 🌻