entry 5 – day 147


going to take this opportunity to follow this quote with another quote (one that’s rather more humorous than it is existential)… ahem—

“oops, i did it again” -britney spears

…holy shit, it’s been an accidental ten days since i’ve made an entry. my counselor would be so disappointed in me, if he knew i had fallen off the “write things down” wagon…AGAIN. to hell with those who say danger is their middle name, my middle name ought to be procrastination. seriously, i might phone my mother up after i hit publish on this bad boy, and ask her if she’d consider allowing me to legally change my middle name.

now that i’ve hopefully lightened the mood up (our country is batshit crazy right now, and everywhere you turn, there’s either something new to legitimately fear or get angry about OR there’s a pile of lies [sorry, “alternative facts”] and propaganda), and thrown in some political shade…let’s see, hmmm…i suppose i’ll redirect my attention back towards the quote i used to start this entry off with: feelings.

“Your emotions and feelings play a powerful role in how you experience and interact with the world because they are the driving force behind many behaviors, helpful and unhelpful. It’s possible to react to emotions and the feelings they evoke which are guided by unconscious fear-based perceptions which you may not buy into anymore, yet you’re living your life, making decision and behaving according to these out-dated tendencies. Living unaware like this almost always leads to problems and unhappiness in the long run.”

—excerpt from a fascinating article and interpretation on feelings and emotions.

it’s also worth noting the countless times i’ve heard something along the lines of, “if i start getting into my head, it’s bad news from there and i’ll most likely end up drinking, just so i can get back out of my own head. so, it’s really best if i don’t get into my own head to begin with, and focus that energy towards helping someone else,” during my attendance at various AA meetings.

isn’t this intrapersonal stance counterproductive to one’s journey to recovery? does it depend on the duration of time that has past during one’s journey to recovery, to fully justify not wanting to “get into” their head? please, let me know your thoughts.

call me crazy, but i think getting into your own head is a lucrative part of the recovery process.. that being said, i’ve been able to successfully start attending weekly individual counseling sessions in addition to visiting my AA “home” once a week, and i have no words to explain how crucial and beneficial BOTH of those are, to me, for my recovery. while it’s necessary to explore your feelings, emotions, what makes you tick a certain way, what you like, what you don’t like, what your dreams and goals are… it is insanely lonely, trying to pick up your feet out from under the weight of your own soul, with nobody to help you fight off the monster(s) and/or cheer you on when you celebrate personal victories.

i don’t know, this topic is too rich to touch upon in a singular entry, so i’ll revisit it later on down the road but i plan on further exploring between now and then.

anyway, it feels so nice to be back on a personally necessary schedule, to continue with my “routine maintenance” (aka counseling), and not feeling like i’m entirely wandering around and simply running through the motions. recovering from alcoholism and learning to cope with depression has been a very grandiose experience thus far, where the lows are hellacious, the highs are liberating, and the purgatory of the feeling in-between is an uncomfortable suspension.

not implying that if you’re not up or down, you’re just “existing” because the spectrum of feelings and emotions is limitless… and i know all of these feelings can be likened to those of what life offers you regardless, sober or not, but this whole “unlearning how to destroy” and “remembering how to create” lifestyle change, has been an interesting trip thus far. i’ll close this one out by sharing and mentioning a very coincidental chapter we happened to review and discuss at my most recently attended meeting, titled a vision for you. so, i’d be lying if i said these meetings and counselor sessions weren’t recharging my battery, especially when it seemed like the reading from the big book, was waiting for you to return so that it could be read aloud to you.

be excellent to each other, guys.


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